Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

MHBlogDay

So this is stable, huh? Woohoo! Finally I can relax, live a normal life. Maybe I can even forget Those Days, eventually.

Only....what if it's not the meds? What if it's a spontaneous remission, something totally beyond my control? Am I going to find myself back on the merry-go-round just as soon as I accept this "new way of things"? Am I setting myself up for another disappointment when the symptoms start creeping in?

No. No, I've worked for this. This is the result of years of hard work by myself and my doctors. But....what if it's not?

Reflections

Not so very long ago, a dear friend of mine I’ll call Bob had a crisis.  He struggles with mental illness, and after several weeks of increasing difficulty, for a brief time it got the better of him.  As a matter of fact, he scared himself silly, and so he did what we’re all told to do – he spoke up.  His partner took him to the local emergency room, where they sat. And sat. And sat.  Finally, after several hours had passed the charge nurse informed him that he wouldn’t be admitted based on what they deemed were “attention seeking” behaviors, and that he should call his primary psychiatrist the next morning.

My initial reaction to hearing about this was to hit the ceiling.  How does someone who is not a psychiatric professional have the right to make that determination, particularly when it’s based on a whole 15 minutes of facetime?  Furthermore, if someone is so desperate and in so much emotional turmoil that they will hurt themselves to get attention, isn’t that a problem too?

See that’s what gets me.  As patients, we are educated by our providers and/or care team to seek help before crisis.  Speak up, they beg us.  Don’t let it get this bad, they scold.  Then when we do, we are baffled, hindered, and at times outright disrespected by the system we’ve been told we can trust.

I understand that some people do abuse that system.  I understand that some of these psychopharmaceuticals are highly desirable, and that there are people who will say almost anything to get them.  What I don’t understand is why understanding my condition and being able to use the proper terminology for my symptoms means they’re not real.  What I don’t (and never will) understand is how doing what he was told and seeking help while he was still coherent enough to clearly describe his feelings and symptoms led Bob to being dismissed with prejudice.

Luckily Bob is ok.  His partner was able to help keep him safe, and his doctor was responsive the next day and made a medication change that seems to be stabilizing him.  It makes me wonder, though.  What about all the people without that safety net?

Disney Princesses?

Dear World,

The first generation Disney girls sent old-fashioned values messages? Well I'm just shocked by that, really. Since then, however, we've had Belle, who refused to change who she was to fit in, and who faced her fears. We've had Mulan, who literally risked everything to help her family, and then did it again to save the day even after she'd been outcast and shamed. We've had Jasmine, who loved with her heart, not with her checkbook, and who refused to settle for less. No, none of these girls were perfect; there are negative things to be said about each. That doesn't make them without value, though, just closer to real. So how about talking to your daughters about these things, instead of dismissing the good because it isn't perfect?

Just a thought.

New Year's Resolutions

Most years about this time, I have no idea what to say when people ask me what I will resolve for the coming 12 months.  I toss off some smart-alec answer, or just shrug and say I'll make it up as I go.  This year is a little different.  2011 was a real eye-opener for me, and I have some definite ideas on what I'd like 2012 to look like.  So here, in no particular order, are my thoughts on the matter:

- See less of my pharmacist, psychiatrist, and physician.  A LOT less.  Seriously, they’re lovely people, but 2012 needs to be healthier.

- See more of my friends.  Life is too short to work all the time, and I need to learn to make time for fun!

- Practice serenity in my daily life.

That’s pretty much what I have at this point.  Maybe I’ll add to it, maybe that’s enough.  We’ll just have to see!

What are your New Year’s resolutions? Share in the comments!

Self Care and Some Resources

*** A localized version of the following post was originally prepared for DMACC Boone's Banner News.  Revised and posted with permission.***

Mental illness hurts. It can be terrifying, with your mind and body acting and reacting in ways that are hard to understand.  It can leave you feeling very isolated.

The good news is, that sense of being alone is a lie.  There are people who care about your pain, and who want to help you through it.

The first step is to look at how you help yourself, because this time of year can be very hectic.  Finals, family, friends; it’s easy to feel lost in the whirlwind, even if you don’t add a job to the mix.  Perversely, that’s exactly the time you need to look out for yourself and take care of you.

One of the most important self-care areas is sleep.  Yes, you know, that thing where your eyes are closed and your brain is recovering.  No, not that one class; in your bed.

Another vital factor in self-care is diet.  Vitamin capsules will never replace a healthy, balanced food intake of “just enough” calories.  Cooking can be a challenge for those who live alone or in efficiencies, but there is an amazing array of “microwave gourmet” recipes available, both online at sites like allrecipes.com and in traditionally published cookbooks. 

Alternately, pair up with a buddy who has kitchen access – switch off cooking and cleanup with them, or make another arrangement to suit everyone.

Of course, both of those steps are much more difficult when there is excess caffeine or alcohol involved.  Emphasizing sleep will probably decrease the need for quite a bit of daily caffeine intake…which in turn will allow better sleep.  Nifty cycle. 

Alcohol is its own challenge.  Especially with holiday parties gearing up, it can be difficult not to overindulge.  One tactic for clearing this hurdle is to decide before walking in how many of what kind of drink you will have – and stick with that.

Sometimes these things are enough to help return a person to their former self.  When it’s not, it’s time to seek help.  One great resource for finding that help is the National Alliance on Mental Illness (www.nami.org).  There are 1,200 affiliates across all 50 states, as well as DC, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, and parts of Canada. 

Another great place to start finding help is the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (www.DBSAlliance.org).  They offer services through 400 chapters over 17 states, so they are somewhat more limited, but it’s worth a moment to check if they are where you are.

Asking for help does not make you “weak”.  According to a 2008 report by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) around 80 percent of young adults age 18-25 suffer a “serious mental illness”; 13.4% of all adults in America will receive treatment.

You are not alone. You are not “weird” or “a freak” for feeling the way you do.  There is help.  There is hope.

If you are feeling like you might hurt yourself, please pick up the phone and call 1-800-273-TALK.  Counselors are there 24 hours a day.  You don’t have to be embarrassed; nothing you can say will shock them. 

You don’t have to suffer in silence.  Life is too short not to enjoy it.

Spirit Day 2011

October 20th is known as Spirit Day, a day where the LGBT community and those who love and support them take a stand and bring attention to the terrible, sometimes fatal epidemic of bullying.

(more info here: http://www.glaad.org/spiritday?gclid=CNeyuJyu96sCFXCCtgodL2bkHA)

Today I proudly wear purple, and a rainbow in my hair.  No one should have to die because they are different.

That's just it, though, isn't it?  No one.  Bullying is not just a problem for LGBT youth.  Hell, it's not even just a problem for youth.

Bullying happens on the playground, in the hall at school, in the college dorm, and in the office cubicle.  Sometimes it even happens in the church pew.

So today I want to say this loud and clear - if you someone is hurting you, if someone is making you feel like you are less, don't give up.  There is hope, there is help.  There is someone who will believe you.

IT GETS BETTER.

There are people waiting for you to reach out.  There are people waiting to get to know you, to see you for the amazing person you are.

You can find some of those people here, at Your Life, Your Voice:

http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/default.aspx?gclid=CKKc3sWv96sCFU3ptgo...

If you are considering harming yourself, please stop and read this first:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Then call 1-800-273-TALK.  They will hear you. They will help you.  They are there beacause they care.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Don't leave us.  Don't let them rob us of you.  Stay.  You are special.  

You are not alone.

I choose to be a mirror.

Robert Fulghum is one of my favorite authors. You may be familiar with him from his essay "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten", but the following excerpt is actually the piece of his that has stayed with me the longest.  Enjoy!

*****************

"Are There Any Questions?" An offer that comes at the end of college lectures and long meetings.  Said when an audience is not only overdosed with information, but when there is no time left anyhow. At times like that you sure do have questions.  Like "Can we leave now?" and "What the hell was this meeting for?" and "Where can I get a drink?"

The gesture is supposed to indicate openness on the part of the speaker, I suppose, but if in fact you do ask a question, both the speaker and audience will give you drop-dead looks.  And some fool -- some earnest idiot -- always asks. And the speaker always answers. By repeating most of what he has already said.

But if there is a little time left and there is a little silence in response to the invitation, I usually ask the most important question of all: "What is the meaning of life?"

You never know, somebody may have the answer, and I'd really hate to miss it because I was too socially inhibited to ask. But when I ask, it's usually taken as a kind of absurdist move -- people laugh and nod and gather up their stuff and the meeting is dismissed on that ridiculous note.

Once, and only once, I asked that question and got a serious answer. One that is with me still.

First, I must tell you where this happened, because the place has a power of its own. In Greece again.

Near the village of Gonia on a rocky bay of the island of Crete, sits a Greek Orthodox monastery. Alongside it, on land donated by the monastery, is an institute dedicated to human understanding and peace, and especially to rapprochement between Germans and Cretans. An improbable task, given the bitter residue of wartime.

This site is important, because it overlooks the small airstrip at Maleme where Nazi paratroopers invaded Crete and were attacked by peasants wielding kitchen knives and hay scythes. The retribution was terrible. The populations of whole villages were lined up and shot for assaulting Hitler's finest troops.

High above the institute is a cemetery with a single cross marking the mass grave of Cretan partisans. And across the bay on yet another hill is the regimented burial ground of the Nazi paratroopers. The memorials are so placed that all might see and never forget. Hate was the only weapon the Cretans had at the end, and it was a weapon many vowed never to give up. Never ever.

Against this heavy curtain of history, in this place where the stone of hatred is hard and thick, the existence of an institute devoted to healing the wounds of war is a fragile paradox. How has it come to be here? The answer is a man. Alexander Papaderos.

A doctor of philosophy, teacher, politician, resident of Athens but a son of this soil. At war's end he came to believe that the Germans and the Cretans had much to give one another -- much to learn from one another. That they had an example to set. For if they could forgive each other and construct a creative relationship, then any people could.

To make a lovely story short, Papaderos succeeded. The institute became a reality -- a conference ground on the site of horror -- and it was in fact a source of producive interaction between the two countries. Books have been written on the dreams that were realized by what people gave to people in this place.

By the time I came to the institute for a summer session, Alexander Papaderos had become a living legend. One look at him and you saw his strength and intensity -- energy, physical power, courage, intelligence, passion, and vivacity radiated from this person. And to speak to him, to shake his hand, to be in a room with him when he spoke, was to experience his extraordinary electric humanity. Few men live up to their reputations when you get close. Alexander Papaderos was an exception.

At the last session on the last morning of a two-week seminar on Greek culture, led by intellectuals and experts in their fields who were recruited by Papaderos from across Greece, Papaderos rose from his chair at the back of the room and walked to the front, where he stood in the bright Greek sunlight of an open window and looked out. We followed his gaze across the bay to the iron cross marking the German cemetery.

He turned. And made the ritual gesture: "Are there any questions?"

Quiet quilted the room. These two weeks had generated enough questions for a lifetime, but for now there was only silence.

"No questions?" Papaderos swept the room with his eyes.

So. I asked.

"Dr. Papaderos, what is the meaning of life?"

The usual laughter followed, and people stirred to go.

Papaderos held up his hand and stilled the room and looked at me for a long time, asking with his eyes if I was serious and seeing from my eyes that I was.

"I will answer your question."

Taking his wallet out of his hip pocket, he fished into a leather billfold and brought out a very small round mirror, about the size of a quarter.

And what he said went like this:

"When I was a small child, during the war, we were very poor and we lived in a remote village. One day, on the road, I found the broken pieces of a mirror. A German motorcycle had been wrecked in that place.

"I tried to find all the pieces and put them together, but it was not possible, so I kept only the largest piece. This one. And by scratching it on a stone I made it round. I began to play with it as a toy and became fascinated by the fact that I could reflect light into dark places where the sun would never shine -- in deep holes and crevices and dark closets. It became a game for me to get light into the most inaccessible places I could find.

"I kept the little mirror, and as I went about my growing up, I would take it out in idle moments and continue the challenge of the game. As I became a man, I grew to understand that this was not just a child's game but a metaphor for what I might do with my life. I came to understand that I am not the light or the source of light. But light -- truth, understanding, knowledge -- is there, and it will only shine in many dark places if I reflect it.

"I am a fragment of a mirror whose whole design and shape I do not know. Nevertheless, with what I have I can reflect light into the dark places of this world -- into the black places in the hearts of men -- and change some things in some people. Perhaps others may see and do likewise. This is what I am about. This is the meaning of my life."

And then he took his small mirror and, holding it carefully, caught the bright rays of daylight streaming through the window and reflected them onto my face and onto my hands folded on the desk.

Much of what I experienced in the way of information about Greek culture and history that summer is gone from memory. But in the wallet of my mind I carry a small round mirror still.

Are there any questions?

*********

This excerpt is found in the book It Was On Fire When I Lay Down On It by Robert Fulghum.  

A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle.  ~Author Unknown

For my darling

A blogger friend of mine did a fun post today about her "alphabet soup" of most visited sites (see it here!) then challenged us to do the same, so here goes!

A is for Amazon - DUH!

B is for Baen.com, which has a great library of free downloads

C is for EMS Cross Stitch Board, a great community for free cross stitch patterns

D is for www.dearblankpleaseblank.com - I take no responsibility for what I may have just done

E is for www.eureka.org, a career-type site

F is for Facebook ~shame~

G is for www.google.com

H is for www.half.com

I is for www.icanhascheezburger.com the best site in the world

J is for http://jtphotographi.webs.com/ my awesome friend Jenn's mind-blowing photography site

K is for www.krty.com, where I listen to the best country radio station on earth

L is for lynoth.posterous.com, some weirdo's blog

M is for momentswithsisters.posterous.com, another blog I follow that you should check out if you never have

N is for netflix

O is for a friend's private blog I won't link

P is for www.patternsonline.com, a cross stitch pattern site

Q is for nothing yet - suggestions?

R is for www.republicoftea.com, where SO MUCH GOODNESS can be found!

S is for my friend @sbuxmel's blog, starbucksmelody.com

T is for www.twdesignworks.com, Teresa Wentzler's site which still works even though she quit publishing

U is for.... UN.org? really?

V is for http://verydemotivational.memebase.com/

W is for wellsfargo.com

X is for XKCD, I knew there was a reason I loved my Em

Y is for youtube 

Z is for nothing yet!

So there it is, your turn now!

Adventures in Parenting

            The doctor looked up from his charting and dropped the bomb almost casually.  “Based on the family history, and the way things went with the Ritalin, I think our next move should be Depakote.” 
            I stared at him, uncomprehending and unable to believe my ears.  I wanted to scream at him, to make him take it back.  How could the Beast, the great Destroyer, the thing that shredded my life and almost killed me…how could it now have my precious boy in its grasp? Then the next thought, swift and cruel – “I did this…”

            Raising a child with a mental illness, or any disability, really, is a tightrope walk.  On the one hand, allowances have to be made for their actual ability and difficulties.  On the other, children have to be raised to accept responsibility for their actions and decisions.  Further complicating matters is how to make sure they understand the necessity of taking every dose of medication, without letting them blame missed doses for bad decision making.  A parent must also find the balance of pushing their child to believe in themselves and achieve greatness, while accepting the very real limitations their mixed-up brain chemistry often imposes on them.  No sweat, right?

            As if that wasn’t enough of a challenge, it seems like every person in your life, from your ex mother-in-law to the pediatrician to Aunt Gertrude to the checker at the local Target, has an opinion on how you are raising your little darling.  Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “Someone needs a spanking!” I’d have the down payment on a house.  That’s actually the least problematic though – worse are the self-educated “experts” who just know that you’re treating the wrong illness with the wrong medication and will spend countless minutes telling you all about it.  That your child still has difficulties proves either that there is no justification on Earth for “drugging” a defenseless child, or that you are a wimp who isn’t demanding enough narcotics to render the poor thing insensible and convenient – sometimes both in the same conversation!

            Of course, if you happen to also have your own mental health challenges it becomes a whole different ball game.  Finding a doctor capable of understanding that your symptoms play into the family dynamic while also capable of not blaming your child’s every difficulty on your illness is, well, challenging, to say the least.  It often seems like every person you encounter wants to talk about the ways you impact your child, without ever considering the threat that small person might be to your well-being.  That doesn’t even factor in the ways you see yourself, of course.  Acknowledging that parenting your child, supposedly the most natural thing on Earth, is actually a life-threatening prospect is beyond daunting.

            It’s not all barbed wire and tears, of course.  Along with the challenges come the innumerable joys of any parenting experience.  You find in yourself a reserve of strength you might never have known about.  Although it can be difficult to deal with your own mood symptoms, the bleak reality is that your child is blessed to have you as their champion, who is uniquely suited to understanding the difficulties they face.  Would I have chosen this path?  Of course not.  I’m not sorry to be walking it, though.